FANDOM


Crusading Purity Sariel is Heaven's oldest and most famous hit! Follow the story of pure-hearted, innocent angel idol Sariel as she and her faithful law, Asaradel, go about sharing our holy Mastema's gospel with all those godless heretics out there! How many disgusting animals can she purge? And can she get home back in time for her concert?

Crusading Purity Sariel is one of Archangel Sariel's countless works of propaganda, a particularly popular and long-lived program on Yesod revolving around the adventures of a fictionalized version of herself, the titular Crusading Purity. It continues to run in the present day, even after billions of years, and contains billions upon billions of episodes, along with many less episodic installments and spin-offs. You'd be hard-pressed to find an angel in Heaven who doesn't know it; many are avid fans, unknowingly addicted to the effects of Sariel's law, Asaradel (which appears in the program as a cute animal companion), and its hypnotic effects.

From Episode 7,354,615 - We're All Crusaders:
Asaradel: Oh no, Sariel...! It's time for your concert, but you're still covered in blood and guts! Whatever will we do!? >_<
Sariel: Ah, you're right! I almost forgot, 'cause it's basically just a second skin for me now!
Sariel: I can't go out like this...!
Asaradel: Maybe there's a towel lying around?
Sariel: Oh, I see one!
Asaradel: Huh? Where!?
Sariel grabs Asaradel and violently rips its pelt off before throwing the screaming, wounded law aside. It lands on the ground with a wet plop, twitching. Sariel then poses with the pelt, flashing a peace sign.
Sariel: Towel retrieved!
Sariel proceeds to rub all the bloodstained parts of her body with the wet, bloody side of Asaradel's pelt. When she pulls it away, she looks even worse than before. There's so much blood her clothing is almost translucent with it.
Sariel: All better! Thanks, Asaradel!
Sariel throws Asaradel's pelt aside, and then kicks the law up into the air and catches it.
Sariel: Here we go! I hope they like this new song!
Asaradel: Auuhhh......
Sariel winks at the camera, and then violently crushes Asaradel in her hands, causing glittery, starry blood to burst out into the air around her, triggering her "transformation" into idol mode. Asaradel has been compressed into its usual microphone form.
Sariel: Let's give 'em everything we've got, Asaradel!
Sariel is no less bloody than before as she runs out on stage to raucous applause and cheering.

Gratuitously violent and featuring quite a lot of actual death, Crusading Purity Sariel is about 60 or 70% fiction, while the rest is made up of real footage and experiences collected by members of the Heavenly Press for propaganda purposes. This confusing blend makes it difficult for angels to understand that what they're watching isn't actually what's happened, so the vast majority of Heaven accepts the blatantly propagandist program as truth, even though it is hardly consistent with itself and regularly makes no sense at all. Past episodes are regularly retconned and sometimes completely rewritten, with the claim that they were always like that. The most obvious issue is the inconsistent portrayal of Sariel's self-insert, who constantly changes from supposedly just a regular, innocent angel who zealously works in service of Heaven to obviously the archangel herself. Not that most angels process the contradiction.

Even after all this time, Crusading Purity Sariel is still primarily written and directed by Sariel herself, who, of course, also stars as the central, titular character. Sometimes other angels contribute, and Metatron has been managing more and more episodes as of late, but Sariel remains the driving creative force, despite her increasingly intense feelings of ennui.

Hallmarks

It turns out that, in the end, they were all disgusting animals after all! Kyun~!
~ One of Sariel's catchphrases

Crusading Purity Sariel features a variety of distinct traits that greatly contribute to its enduring popularity, though the fact that watching it rots angel's minds and prevents them from realizing they're watching the same shit over and over again helps.

  • Gratuitous and real violence. Without a second thought and without a care in the world, Sariel violently butchers actual people outside of Heaven onscreen. The average episode has a death toll in the billions, as Sariel and her supporting cast wipe out planets and civilizations; while these are usually fictional, many episodes feature actual genocide, not necessarily carried out by Sariel herself. Sariel and friends are just edited into that role.
  • A blasé approach to death. Reflecting Heaven's thoughts on death, Crusading Purity Sariel treats death as completely natural and nothing to be emotional about. Not only are actual people regularly killed in huge quantities, major heroic characters who have been around for millions of episodes are prone to being abruptly killed off (usually not for real) without fanfare. Even Sariel's character herself dies fairly often, only to return, as Death still has more work for her.
    • In one particularly famous scene, Sariel responds to the death of a character who's been around since the start of the show, for billions of years, with, "Oh, about time. She deserved it, God bless," delivered with complete, affectionate sincerity. The scene is considered by most fans to be one of the best moments in the show.
  • Dry, dark humor. Sariel's sardonic sense of humor shows through in her work, and Crusading Purity Sariel is as comedic as it gets when it comes to her creations. When death is acknowledged, it's typically in the form of various punchlines, and the constant violence is often delivered as if it were slapstick. Much of the humor flies over the heads of regular angels, however.
    • For example, the aforementioned quote is a bad joke about a person Sariel actually disliked and was happy to stop working with, but is read by most angels as an extremely emotional, heartfelt moment of honesty about a dear friend's blessed passing.
  • "Fanservice". While most angels could never possibly understand this element, to the higher-ranked angels with more of a personality, this is a vital part of Crusading Purity Sariel. Not only is the obliviously pure and empty-headed character Sariel plays more or less the peak of what passes for angelic sex appeal, but she also kills a whole bunch of people constantly. This, of course, gets higher-ranked angels to watch more and more of the show, allowing Sariel to keep them under her law's control.

Notable Episodes and Story Arcs

  • "Gorehound" Arc: A long-running story arc written and directed by Uriel rather than Sariel, episodes of which come out every once and a while. The arc is well-known for its extreme violence and horrific displays of sadism, even by Crusading Purity Sariel's standards, but is well-regarded for its interesting, novel direction, which is a fair bit more daring than usual.

    It features one of the few enduring antagonists in the Crusading Purity Sariel canon, a rival character created by Uriel, who is tortured and nearly killed in almost every episode she appears in. Sariel wants to kill her off already, but Uriel stubbornly insists that she deserves more punishment first.
  • Heavenly Civil War: A lengthy story arc that aired during and portrayed Lucifer's struggle against Heaven, going on for several thousand episodes. Sariel suffers more fictional deaths in this arc than any other arc on the show, but the arc ends on ten episodes that feature nearly completely unedited footage of Lucifer's final fight with both Uriel and Abaddon at once.

    The fight demonstrates the sheer strength of those involved extremely well, as each impact causes global annihilation and kills angels who are unfortunate enough to be nearby (despite Lucifer's attempts to spare bystanders). This culminates in Lucifer's brutalization and defeat by Abaddon, where she is falsely portrayed as being killed. The arc is extremely popular among angels and widely considered to be the best of Crusading Purity Sariel; this is partly because it airs regularly and viewing is mandatory.
    • Hell Descent: A prequel arc that helped establish the myth that Lucifer was an archangel, not a regular, low-ranking angel. It focuses on a completely fictonalized storyline of Lucifer (very insultingly portrayed by Uriel) "falling to darkness", eventually leading to an infamous fight scene between this fake Lucifer and Sariel.

      The fight is so well choreographed that it convincingly resembles the earlier and even more famous ten-episode fight scene of its sequel arc, and most angels believe it is actual footage and not complete bullshit. The fight ends in a draw and features Sariel dying multiple times, only to be denied and sent back by Death each time, until she's able to strip away Lucifer's wings and send her to Hell. This is another confusing contradiction, as Mastema is often portrayed as the one to punish Lucifer as such (but really, it was just a random judge).

Rave Reviews

"Crusading Purity's the best! Could use more gore, though!"

- Anonymous reviewer

"(silent awe for the complete duration of every episode)"
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"..........................."

- Anonymous reviewer

"... Thank god my husband isn't alive to see this."
"I have to imagine this is part of why I became who I am."

"Oh, god, not Crusading Purity..."

- Some disgusting animal

"... I used to watch this all the time... what did she..."
"One episode of this was enough for me."

"Sariel sure is my daughter! Look at her go! Ahaha!"

- The Luminary Sovereign

"Anyone who watches this shit deserves what it does to them."
- Sariel
"TURN THAT GARBAGE OFF, SARIEL."
Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.