User blog:Promestein/Heavencross - Confession

Raziel has been very quiet. This is not unusual. Many times a day, they’ll suddenly begin responding sluggishly, before vanishing into privacy and silence, only occasionally speaking up to address stray thoughts of Harahel’s. Eventually, of course, Raziel will get more talkative, but much of their time is spent in silent, peaceful contemplation. It is a normal thing, and Harahel does not think much of it. Sometimes Raziel is quiet, and sometimes Raziel is not. That is how it is.

But this time, it is a bit different than normal. Raziel seems to be circling, back and forth, the mental equivalent of pacing. They keep speaking up with a small, simple “Harahel?”, or they murmur small responses to simple thoughts, or they just sort of sit there, existing, thoughts running in the background, beyond Harahel’s perception. But Harahel knows they’re there, and that they’re paying attention, watching. Harahel hadn’t paid that much attention to the behavior, but now, hours into this, they are beginning to realize that this was people would call ‘awkward’.

For some reason, Raziel is being awkward. Harahel muses over it as they clumsily fiddle with the controller in their hands. Their avatar, on the television, runs straight into some enemy and fades from existence, yet again. Defeated once more, Harahel looks down at their controller, and then wiggles their fingers. It’s weird, having a more concrete body plan, and having to focus on the minute movements of it. They are still not very ‘dextrous’, the word Raziel uses. They restart their game, and think about Raziel and this issue a bit more.

They’re still not very good at socializing. Even with Raziel, who they know they can trust with anything, it is hard to talk, sometimes. So they do not know what to do here at all. It is easier to stay silent. But, still. They should do something. Harahel thinks it over, as the screen in front of them cascades into a miserable game over, and they restart, instantly. Harahel hums to themself, thinking, as hard as they can, but it only hurts their head. They think some more, anyways, and their thoughts drift to Raziel, time and time again.

What is Raziel to them?

The question comes, unprompted.

Harahel stops playing, and stares at the screen, allowing an enemy to walk into them. That’s weird. A question like that is weird, and new. So they think about it, very hard. Raziel is their ‘friend’. That is a word they understand now. They are very close and trust each other very much, so they are friends. But most friendships are not like this. Harahel and Raziel share a body. Harahel moves and thinks, and Raziel also thinks, but does not move. They are together, always. Is that friendship? Is it a normal friendship? The other friends Harahel has seen are not together like that.

They walk side by side, talk, and play together, but they do not share in their lives to the extent that Harahel and Raziel do. So? Are they friends? Is there something unusual about their friendship? Harahel does not know. It confuses them, and makes their feelings swirl around in their stomach. What are they? What is Raziel to them? And what is Harahel to Raziel? That, especially, feels suddenly grave, as if it were weighed with unparalleled importance. Thinking about it makes them feel… “... Raziel, what do you call this?”

“Hm? Oh, nausea. … Why are you nauseous? Are you alright?” Raziel’s emotions, warm concern, and… something else, something distracted but related, all wash over them, and Harahel stares at the screen.

Harahel mulls it over before asking, “Are we friends?”

“Yes. Of course. Why?”

“... We are always together. We share our thoughts and this body. Soul, too. Is that friendship? Are friends normally like that?”

“... Well, no. But that doesn’t mean we’re not friends. Maybe, we’d…” Raziel hesitates, before saying, “Maybe we’d qualify as ‘more’ than friends.”

“Um…” Harahel tugs at a strand of their hair, and tilts their head. Both motions are useless, given that Raziel sees them from the inside, but they’ve been picking up the habits from other physical beings lately. “What does that mean, Raziel…?”

“I don’t know,” Raziel says, immediately, “I don’t know why I said that. I don’t know.”

That sounds wrong. Raziel knows everything. Or close to everything. It is more likely that Raziel does not want to answer. And if Raziel does not want to answer, why…? Are they hiding something? That would be okay, if so. Harahel does not mind. But… they have to ask, they have to ask themself, at least. Why? Why would Raziel hide this? Because it is private? Because it is embarrassing? Because it is scary to share?

Because it is scary to share. Harahel knocks one down after the other, and goes with the one they understand to be most likely. They know Raziel. They trust Raziel because they know them. Raziel is nervous, pacing within their soul like that. Raziel is nervous because they are scared. Fear. It comes down to fear. But what does Raziel fear about this? Why is it scary to share this? Because they do not want to be vulnerable.

Vulnerability. Why?

Emotions.

Sharing emotions.

Something else, something distracted, but related.

Love.

Raziel is in love with them.

Love, love, love. Love is confusing. Out of all the emotions Harahel has had described to them, it is one of the most nebulous and abstract. But they understand it enough to know that, between them and Raziel, there is love. They are friends, very close friends who trust and know each other very well. Friends love each other, Raziel said. So there is love. What Raziel was feeling when they came to Harahel’s aid was love.

The concept of love is a bit more tangible for Harahel, now. They understand it a bit better. Raziel helped and worried over Harahel because of love. Harahel can see, through simple analysis, that love is related to Raziel’s anxiety. It must be related to ‘more than friends’. ‘More’ must mean more love. But more love alone would not change anything, would it? Do Harahel and Raziel love each other more because they are together? Or… or is it differently? Another question that sprouts from nowhere. Confusing. Different kinds of love? Different kinds of something already enigmatic, something impossible to grasp?

Harahel rubs their forehead.

Stress.

They do not understand.

They thought they were onto something, but it is only more confusing.

But love. They know it is about love. Take it from the top, Harahel. Raziel is in love with them. They knew this already. Friends love each other, but Raziel implied they are ‘more than friends’. If they are ‘more than friends’, their love must be more, or at least, different. But Harahel does not have a frame of reference for ‘different’, or even ‘more’. They barely understand love. They can only barely recognize it.

But they love Raziel. Harahel knows that, for sure. If what Raziel felt when they helped them is love, Harahel must love them back. Have they ever told them that? They can’t be sure, but Harahel is pretty sure they have never expressed it, or really, much of their emotions. But Raziel shares in them, so it is not like they have to talk about them very much. “... Raziel.”

“Yes?”

“I love you.”

There is no response. Only whirring. Very fast whirring. Raziel is thinking. Very fast. A few minutes pass, during which Harahel goes back to playing their game, a little bit calmer. They expect Raziel to go back into silence, but, eventually, they murmur, “I love you too.”

Harahel responds only with warmth. More minutes go by, and Raziel continues. “About ‘more than friends’. That’s a special kind of relationship, something that’s, um… I don’t know how to describe it. But… it’s a different love, a… committed love. Between people who want to be together, always. We’re already like that, so…”

“Oh, okay. That makes sense. We must be more than friends, then.” Harahel nods, accepting this. That makes sense. Raziel words it in a way that makes all of Harahel’s earlier agonizing seem silly, and they understand it a lot better, now. This must be part of why they love Raziel. Because Raziel helps them so much.

“A-ah. Okay. Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“O-okay. There’s...” Raziel takes a moment. “Less clunkier terms than ‘more than friends’. Such as ‘partners’. ‘Significant other’. Or ‘lovers’, but that has some other implications.”

“What implications?”

“Uh...”