Big Kahuna

"NHAT, AGAIN?! GOD DAMNIT, I ALREADY TOLD YOU!"

- Big Kahuna saving Xcalibur's life once again, this time running roughly 10 kilometers in 1 second to block against Magnatherium.

Summary
"Big Kahuna is the dandy motherforker who outsold Argo, outdid bosses, and literally made Mark ragequit with the permanent aura of forkery surrounding him 24/7" - DMUA

Big Kahuna, or his real name Rick as he prefers, was previously a games reviewer and journalist working for IGN over the course of 4 years. He had felt spiritually drained by the end of those 4 years and was planning on resigning when he caught wind of a certain Virtual Reality game that was killing its Japanese playerbase starting about a month before. Allegedly. He actually thought it was a bunch of BS, likely just some publicity stunt. So, figuring he'd have nothing to lose in publishing one last article for IGN with a strongly-worded resignation letter at the end of it, Rick used his (apparently really good) connections to procure some Nervegears and copies of Sword Art Online. Grabbing an accomplice in the form of his younger friend Angel, he dived headfirst into SAO.

When met with profile and character creation, Rick chose to name his avatar after the "Big Kahuna" since he thought it wouldn't matter anyway and he wanted a laugh, while Angel chose Sor_Mistake. Shortly after arriving in-game they met a familiar face, being BallsDeep69 (who is actually his own person and not just Abridged Klein) who showed them that no, they could not log out, and told them that yes, people were dying from this game. From that point, they met up with the rest of the Misfits, and Big Kahuna did a lot of ridiculous things.

He inspired Kirito to dual-wield with trees and then befriended him (who at this point was harassed and assaulted by the other Misfits) by holding Kiri to his promise to pay for Kahuna's lost liquor. He befriended and defended Nezha who he then later incorporated into his business organization "Kahuna's Konglomerate". He took over SAO's economy with the previously mentioned Konglomerate (which then caused not-insignificant inflation). He and Sor_Mistake invented Guns and Skateboards. He lost several body parts to Dark Elves and was still able to rescue BallsDeep69 by somehow glitching the game and teleporting in (while he was just trying to recover in bed) to save him. He established the very first and currently strongest Guild in SAO- Blades United For Freedom. He snatched Xcalibur from the jaws of death on two separate yet very similar occasions. He hosted Tournaments for every Floor (which have turned out to be exceedingly brutal and have given him a fear-inducing reputation). He lifted and can wield a tree the size of a Godzilla. Honestly, he's done a lot more than necessary.

Much of this has also been accomplished while he's heavily intoxicated.

Personality
While it almost seemed like he had given up any kind of happiness after working for IGN so long, Sword Art Online gave him a brand new world to explore and influence as he desired. So he decided he would tear that world apart and save as many people as he could with whatever means necessary.

Rick is normally considerate and compassionate to anyone he comes across. Many of his acquaintances have denoted him as intelligent and charismatic, and depending on his mood he'll either take that in stride or with humility. Just a word of warning, but after feeling mistreated for much of his life, he often loses patience with anyone he views as irrational and will lash out at them. Being generally stupid or unlikable generates a similar response from him. This has led him to develop an arrogant side that enforces the concept that he knows best. Though deep down, he has a burning desire to be a hero and SAO has let him begin to fulfill that fantasy.

Of course, there's also the fact he discovered he can get absolutely hammered in SAO. Somehow. Despite bearing an unreasonably high metabolism in real life that prevents him from ever feeling most effects of drugs, including alcohol, Big Kahuna can enjoy a state of intoxication in-game. Hell, he loves it. When he jovially submits to his Drinking """Problem""", he often speaks (half the time slurs) before he thinks and boisterously acts off of impulse. His emotions flare up to the point where it's common to hear him shift laughter into crying without a moment's notice and singing/yelling about how much he loves his friends and hates being trapped in a virtual hell hole. Even while like this however, he maintains a keen awareness of any situation he's in, and he seems to be an even better combatant when drunk. This is likely what leads to him proudly claiming himself as the best player in the whole game whenever he's deep in liquid courage. In all honesty, that might be true.

Whether sober or drunk off his everything, Big Kahuna is always honest and ready to fight for everyone.

Personal Statistics
Alignment: Lawful Good (when sober) Chaotic Good (when drunk)

Name: Big Kahuna (prefers to be called Rick, his real name)

Origin: IRL Sword Art Online: The Tabletop RPG (BUFF Timeline)

Gender: Male

Age: Old

Birthplace: The good ol' U.S. of A.

Likes: Getting drunk, America, being heroic, the color green, cats, Godzilla, cereal, videogames that don't try to kill him at every moment, reading, acting, trees, cooperation, hype, 70's to 90's pop culture, music (heavy metal and classical in particular), his "stepson" Nezha, leading and inspiring others

Dislikes: SAO (because it keeps trying to kill him and other people), conflict, stupidity, cruelty, arrogance, Dark Elves, bad luck, failing, Xcalibur, cheaters, traitors, disrespect, death and general negativity

Eye: Green-gold coloration, has only his right eye

Hair: Light chestnut coloration, about 3 feet in length, usually uses to cover his missing eye

Classification: Player, Gamer, Economist, Philanthropist, Literal Tank, "Wise Drunken Man", Guildmaster

Values: Booze, Honesty, Loyalty, Friends, Effort, Life, Freedom, Teamwork, Respect and the American Way

Status: Alive

Affiliation: Blades United For Freedom (is the founder and Guildmaster)

Previous Affiliation: The Band of Misfits (half of them tried to kill him despite him being responsible for their success and survival)

Combat Statistics
Tier: 8-C

Powers and Abilities: Superhuman Physical Characteristics, Statistics Amplification (Sword Skills increase speed and damage output), Immortality (Type 2, what are normally lethal wounds do not expend extra HP from players and NPCs, allowing them to take a multitude of lethal wounds before worrying about dying), Teleportation via Teleport Crystals and Corridor Crystals, Healing via potions, Durability Negation via Sludge and Slag, Status Effect Inducement (Can stun via various skills)

Attack Potency: Building level+ (Can throw massive trees with such energy. Was able to generate such an energy when running to save Xcalibur from a bear, comparable to a Dark Elf who could generate an explosion of such magnitude)

Speed: High Hypersonic (Ran at such speeds to intercept the bear)

Lifting Strength: Class M

Striking Strength: Building level+

Durability: Building level+

Stamina: Superhuman (VR Avatars can't get tired physically, only mentally. Can take various damaging blows and still fight uninhibited.)

Range: Tens of meters via projectiles and giant trees

Intelligence: Gifted (Was able to take control of the SAO economy and create various strategies to dominate bosses, including giving everyone firearms to completely tear apart the floor 4 boss, though, such intelligence decreases when drunk.)

Weaknesses: Prone to Excessive Alcoholism, otherwise none notable.

Standard Equipment

 * Sludge+10 (Dual Ranged Shot Gauntlets: Gauntlets that double as shotguns. Melee Damage depends on the Gauntlets’ materials. Ranged Damage depends on Shells' materials. Can shoot at the same time as a punch for + (Shell Damage) True Damage. Can shoot as far as 2 Turn Range and as much as 4 times per turn (2 for each Gauntlet), though the user can only melee attack twice. User can also propel their self 1 Turn Range in any direction by shooting in the opposite direction instead of attacking as a Bonus Action. 16 Shells per Belt. Has to take a turn to reload after a Belt is used up. +27 Damage, -2 Agility modifier, +10 Strength, +10 Durability, +10 Charisma, +10 Base Damage, Wraith Enchantment, can be used simultaneously with Slag, loaded with 32 *Money Shots*, equipped)
 * 32 *Money Shots* (+10 Damage, -10 Cashmonies)
 * Slag+10 (Pair o’ Retractable Claws: Damage is dependent on Ranged Skill. Once per turn, the user can retract or unsheathe the Claws at any time as a Bonus Action. Can unsheathe at the same time as a punch for + (Claw Damage) True Damage. +26 Damage, -2 Agility modifier, +10 Ranged Skill, +10 Durability, +10 Charisma, +10 Base Damage, Wraith Enchantment, can be used simultaneously with Sludge, equipped)
 * Swoop+10 (Pair o’ Boomerangs, +26 Damage, -2 Agility modifier, +10 Strength, +10 Ranged Skill, +10 Charisma, +10 Base Damage, Wraith Enchantment, always return when thrown, kept on belt)
 * Snarl+10 (Tower Shield, +28 Block, -2 Agility modifier, +5 Strength, +5 System Skill, +5 Durability, +5 Base Damage, Wraith Enchantment)
 * GRIMLOCK+10 (big sword, +27 Damage, -2 Agility modifier, can use both 1 and 2-Handed Skills, +5 Strength, +5 System Skill, +5 Durability, +5 Base Damage, Wraith Enchantment)
 * Cliffjumper+10 (Bullbous Greatsword, +10 Damage, +14 Strength, +5 Weapon Skill, +5 System Skill, +5 Base Damage, Wraith Enchantment)
 * Nato's Warhammer+10 (+21 Damage, -1 Agility modifier, +5 Weapon Skill, +5 Ranged Skill, +5 Durability, +5 Base Damage, Wraith Enchantment)
 * Baran's Golden Battle Hammer+10 (+22 Damage, -1 Agility modifier, +5 Weapon Skill, +5 Ranged Skill, +5 Durability, +5 Base Damage, Wraith Enchantment)
 * Asterius' MASSIVE Warhammer+16 (+29, use of Numbing Impact, -1 Agility modifier, +5 Weapon Skill, +5 System Skill, +5 Durability, +5 Base Damage, Enchantment, on back)
 * "Pearl"+10 (Wythege Teeth Armor Piece, +34 Durability, +1 Durability modifier against Nature-type enemies, +5 Strength, +5 Ranged Skill, +5 Charisma, +5 Base Damage, equipped)
 * Lucky Adventurer's Boots (+1 Luck modifier to all rolls, +5 Strength, +5 Ranged Skill, +5 Durability, +5 Charisma, +5 Base Damage, equipped)
 * Bullbous Jewelry+6 (2 Rings and 2 Earrings, +36 Strength, +20 Ranged Skill, +20 Durability, +20 Agility, +20 Charisma, +20 Base Damage, equipped)
 * Perception Jewelry+3 (2 Rings and 2 Earrings, +16 Perception)
 * Intelligence Jewelry+3 (2 Rings and 2 Earrings, +16 Intelligence)
 * Spirytus Rektyfakowany
 * 10 Bottles of Assorted Hard Liquor
 * 2 Bullbous Steaks (Restore 10 HP, +1 Strength and +1 Weapon Skill modifiers for the next hour upon eating. Does not stack)
 * 10 Teleport Crystals
 * Corridor Crystal
 * 10 Level 20 HP Potions (Restore 320 HP)
 * 5 Recording Crystals
 * A lighter
 * Sticky Blue Stuff (An ultra sticky substance that is strong enough to hold together structures and pin down enemies. Dropped by King Slimes)
 * Floor 5 Backpack (+50 Carry Space)

Passive Skills:

 * Martial Arts Master (Increases Base Damage with unarmed fighting (includes combo skills that use unarmed fighting, though only the unarmed parts) by 50% rounded up)
 * Battle Healing (Heals (Max Health)/30 every round in combat only)
 * Defender (Uses your Durability stat instead of your Weapon Skill/Strength stat whenever you block. If you switch in then block, you’ll also have the ability to use your Weapon Skill/Strength (no Might, but with a shield/protecting item) modifier plus your Durability modifier to block)
 * Tank (This Skill can be seen in the directory only if you have at least 100 Durability naturally. When tanking an enemy that does higher damage than your Durability modifier, the damage you’ll take will be (that damage minus your Durability modifier) divided by 2 rounded down. This works when blocking as well. This passive does not account for True Damage)
 * Negotiator 5 (+5 modifier in all charisma based situations)
 * (Exclusive Outside System Skill) Drinking """Problem""": Intoxication has many effects on an individual- some of them are even beneficial. When Big Kahuna is intoxicated, he gains +10 Strength, Ranged Skill and Durability, but receives -10 to Agility and Intelligence, and -30 to Charisma. Can be improved with AA meetings. Probly not, though.
 * (Outside System Skill) Drunken Fist: After training Asuna 'n' Kirito in preparation for his Floor 4 Tournament, Big Kahuna is practiced enough again in Zui Quan to use it in combat against other people. By applying the fluent motions of Zui Quan, he is able to add his Charisma modifier whenever Dodging an opponent's attack. When attacking, Big Kahuna can choose to feint instead by rolling his Charisma modifier + Agility modifier against his opponent's Perception roll. If successful, he can attack his opponent for free. This has a 2 round cooldown. If affected by Drinking "'"Problem""", Big Kahuna's Charisma modifier is increased by +2 instead of decreased by -3, but ONLY during combat with other people. If Martial Arts Master is not active, then all these modifiers are halved. This Skill can be improved with further training.
 * (Outside System Skill) Expert Fist Method: Thanks to training Asuna and Kirito in preparation for his Floor 4 Tournament, Big Kahuna has re-familiarized himself enough with Kenpō to be able to use such techniques during battle. When Blocking while Unarmed or with a non-Ranged Weapon, Big Kahuna gains a +2 modifier. If an opponent attempts to grapple Big Kahuna, or he is attempting to break out of an enemy's hold, Big Kahuna gains a +2 modifier. If making an Unarmed attack, Big Kahuna gains a +2 modifier to his Attack roll. If Martial Arts Master is not active, then all these modifiers are halved. This Skill can be improved upon with further practice.
 * (Outside System Skill) Power Throwing: Allows the user to throw lighter objects, such as Daggers, with Ranged Skill + Strength.
 * (Outside System Skill with Nezha) Crossing For You: When positioned on opposing sides of a target, Rick and Nezha can “juggle” the weapons they throw between them while attacking so as to rack up damage on their opponent. They can juggle a weapon up to 4 times this way assuming they don't critically fail or the target interrupts them.

Sword Skills:
Note: Rounds are game mechanics, in the sense that it doesn't apply to the abilites themselves (Elaboration on that here), but timers do still apply to sword skill cooldowns. While the exact time frames for what a "round" actually is in terms of gameplay is rather inconsistent, the official number is 6 seconds long.
 * Horizontal (1 hit. Slashes horizontally. 2 round cooldown)
 * Vertical (1 hit. Slashes vertically. 2 round cooldown)
 * Sonic Leap (1 hit. Dashes forward and slashes down vertically. Covers +1 turn range. 3 round cooldown)
 * Aim Shot (Ranged weapon only. Shoots at the enemy. 1 round cooldown)
 * Meteor Fall Greatsword (2-Handed. 3 hits. Slams the user's weapon down on the target 3 times, with the last hit Stunning them for the rest of the round. 5 round cooldown)
 * Cyclone (2-Handed. 1 hit. Launches target into the air, Stunning them for the rest of the round. Treated as a Bonus Action if successful. 4 round cooldown)
 * Shadow Stitch (Small + Unarmed. 3 hit. A horizontal slash followed by two sweeping kicks. The slash has a 50% chance to Stun target for the rest of the round AND the next one. 7 round cooldown)
 * Numbing Impact (Asterius' MASSIVE Warhammer only. 1 hit. Hits all enemies in melee range and Stuns the intended target for the rest of the round. 4 round cooldown)
 * Upheaval (Original Sword Skill. 2-Handed. 2 hits. First hit launches target up to prevent them from defending against the second hit. Second hit slams target to the ground and Stuns them for the rest of the round. 6 round cooldown)
 * Meteor Fall Combo (1-Handed + Unarmed. 2 hit. The user tosses their weapon up in the air before punching the target. The user then catches their weapon and strikes their target again with it. The punch Stuns the target for the rest of the round. 4 round cooldown)

Other
Notable Victories:

Notable Losses:

Inconclusive Matches: