User blog:DMUA/Castle Chaos Kai Abridged

This was an idea that Fate had on a whim and I thought it was hilarious

here we go, not going to finish this in one run cause that's insane

Presession madness
The curtains are drawn, and we see a beautiful city, as a crowd stands inside, soon joined by some tree nerd and a monk

Dude from the street: THEY BLEW UP THE THING

Other dude: BUT HOW ARE WE GONNA MEET UP IF THERE'S NO THING

Instant chaos ensues, but is halted to give attention to a much greater source of chaos, accompanied by houses shaking.

Totally not Black Knight: YEET

A man flies past Rickert and Wu, forking dying upon a wall, as the thrower stands with intimidating presence, twice the height of the Monk and carrying an even larger hammer

Dragnar: I AM THE STRONG

Wu: I AM THE RELIGIOUS

Rickert: YOU ARE THE TREE NOW

Rickert turns a portion of Dragnar's armor into wood, though the effects halt and that portion shatters to reveal Dragnar's muscles, as Wu runs up to them and straight up clocks him in the kidney, causing him to stumble back and look at his opponents

Dragnar: LATER NERDS

Dragnar gets onto a horse of darkness and disappears into the shadows

Meanwhile
A guardsman looking type walks on the road for a few moments, before having wind slashes come at him, forcing him to swiftly evade and start to run, as a clown 2hu gives chase

Serpens: GET BACK HERE YOU HECK

Autca: My only purpose is to have my psycho ranger set up the conflict for the second arc

Serpens: Oh whoops my bad HEY LOOK ANOTHER 2hu

Serpens soars into the sky with a woosh, as we cut to a divine messenger also soaring across the sky

Miko: Gee I sure hope nothing bad happens

Serpens: BAD HAPPENINGS

Serpens wooshes past the shrine maiden, as she is then trapped by the air itself

Serpens: IMMA AURASHOOT YOU

Miko: OH NO NOT THE AURASHOOT

Serpens: OH YES THE AURASHOOT

''Serpens fires an absolute ton of wind blasts at Miko, who gets blasted against the ground, before returning fire and blasting Serpens away in return. As they get launched into the distance, a woman in green clothing arrives''

Gwen: Hello have the heals

Miko: Thank you I like the heals

As Gwen starts White Maging Miko, she is then blasted away

Miko: OH NO THE HEALS

Serpens: OH YES THE P A I N

''The two begin to fire a ton of attacks at eachother, with Miko blurring through Serpens' assaults and blowing her away, knocking her unconscious and sending her to the ground. Shortly after, a black haired woman arrives''

Alhazred: Imma take my 2hu

Miko: okey

Alhazred disappears in shadows, as Gwen comes back

Gwen: Imma give you more heals, let's go to the city

Miko: okey

Meanwhile
A knight walks the road of a forest, taking in the environment and realizing it's just too quiet, before a woman screams in pain

Lazarus: OH NO A THING

Lazarus rushes to the woman, who was on the ground

Lazarus: WHY ARE YOU IN THE PAIN

Alhazred: adventurers

Lazarus: adventuers?

Alhazred: They're corrupting my forest

Lazarus: oh heck

Alhazred: Follow me so you can EXTERMINATE THEM

Lazarus: oh okay

Lazarus soon found himself extremely uncomfortable, as a malice overcame him

Alhazred: what's your name

Lazarus: TACTICAL RETREAT

Alhazred: okay tactical retreat but why are you running

Ambushing Adventurers: GET EM

The area is rained upon by arrows from invisible attackers, as Lazarus dives into a bush for cover, and Alhazred casually wrecks the assailants, blitzing past their arrows and punching them

Alhazred: Oh hey you're not dead

Totally a fantasy duck: Quack

Alhazred: I know you're there

Lazarus: oh heck

Alhazred: Oh look here's a thing don't get oofed

A giant beast crashes onto the scene from a portal above

Lazarus: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Lazarus takes his Zweihander and swings it upon the goat head of the Chimera, causing it to shatter as it turns to stone

Lazarus: OH NO MY THING

before the dragon's head opens it's mouth to breathe fire as Lazarus dives back and blocks with his shield, before following up by swinging a longsword made of dirt, clashing with the beast's tail is it was swung towards him

Lazarus: Oh hey this works

Lazarus leaped onto the chimera, stabbing it through one of it's necks as it screams in agony

Lazarus: HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT

Suddenly, the roar reveals a form of sorcery, causing Lazarus' mind and soul to start to be ripped away from his body

Lazarus: HE DID NOT LIKE THAT

Lazarus once again leaps into a bush, though that doesn't stop the effects of the sorcery as his soul continues to enter the land of the dead

Lazarus: Well, I'll have to do a thing

''Lazarus leaps out of the bush wielding a rope and a net, throwing the rope around the goat head and the net around the chimera's feet. Lazarus tugs on the rope, causing the chimera to roar again before it snaps the bindings and runs away''

Alhazred: oh cool you made it

Lazarus: I did the thing

Alhazred: Well now it's doing it's thing... TO THE CITY

DUN DUN DUN

Lazarus: oh heck

Meanwhile
Miko and Gwen walk into the city

Gwen: Oh look new people

Rickert and Wu show up

Wu: CAT'S EYE

Rickert: I'm totally going to bang that sentient tree

Gwen: wait wha-

Chimera: REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Meanwhile
A younger man walks through a temple

Gal: All around me are familiar faces, worn out faces, worn out-

Donovan: I'm not even an established character yet

An old man stands face to face with the adventurer.

Gal: oh

Donovan: Go back or I'll do a thing

Gal: what thing

Donovan: THIS THING

Suddenly, shards of ice explode into the air and launch themselves at Gal, who just starts glowing in a solar light with a distinct *pop* sound effect

Donovan: Oh cool you have a thing for the thing

''Gal fires two lasers at Donovan, which he initially dodges, before having them bend back onto him and blasting him with heat. As he's hit, Gal runs up to Donovan's face to smite him, before realizing explosions are violent''

Gal: I'm too ambiguous to kill people

Donovan: I'm not so HAVE THE THING

Suddenly, Donovan fills the air with such cold that Gal's very soul starts to freeze, and he retorts by turning into a sun again

Gal: pew

A small beam hits Donovan in the face, to which he retorts by shoving his hand into Gal's heart, which also glowed with extreme radiance, causing the clash between them to result in an explosion knocking the old man back

Donovan: actually you're cool I'll let you go to the big bad castle to deal with the things

Donovan disappears, his form becoming a mirage of sorts, leaving behind a portal to the Chimera

Gal: I can't hit you with Jojo references without getting closer

Gal starts to walk through the portal menacingly For reference, Gal did legit make a Jojo reference here in canon